Sunday, September 27, 2009
New year is considered a time for new decisions and while oter ones were easy to go for, decide and even start applying some of them, this one was a much harder one to accept.
I've been doing very bad from religious standpoint for quite a while with ups and downs but I was not successful at getting on the right track so far. Wishes and thoughts that I will be doing everything right when I find the girl as that will push me to be doing things the right way - that's all just dreams and not a right approach to things.
So it took me 10 days to decide. This means that I will refuse any option except two which are ongoing for the past few month -just because I doubt they will happen anyway. I will also try to shut any talks on this topic directly and indirectly related to me.
Hopefully it won't take me too long to overcome myself, my will and my yetzer but that will not happen tomorrow so all these things tend to cross the line between truth and hypocrisy.
Let's see what will come out of this.
PS. This is my last chance to ask for forgiveness from anyone I have offended anyhow, lied to, said loshon horah about or did something else that I must ask forgieness for. Please forgive me.
Have an easy (and meaningful) fast! Gmar chatimah tovah!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, September 25, 2009
However recently I realized that it's not just coincidential that I was interested in few girls that are older than me and in much smaller number of who was younger. Talking to Moshe on IM I named whoever I was able to remember from the top of my hat and it came out as 3:1!!! Seriously I was able to name 6 girls older than me and only 2 younger. Besides that my very first shidduch date was almost year older than I (I didn't count her though).
May be it's a sign?
Monday, September 21, 2009
This erev Rosh Hashonah I was sitting in the bus on my way to Lakewood and I was rethinking many things that happened in the past few days. And for some reason I remembered about superpower memes that were going around.
While it is clear that my superpower was 100% evil driven, most of other people had their wishes based either on simple self-related topics or on better-to-be ones. So I was thinking about bunch of similar better-to-be superpowers which were intended to be able to better understand people, or to know what could hurt someone and get around that and so on. And that brought me to realization why we don't have these simple and so-great-have abilities which we could use everyday for good of the world. Why didn't Hashem give us something what we could use to help people around us, to be better people ourselves? Why did He decide that what we have is good for us and we don't need any better?
I think the answer is simple. Because as we could easily use these powers for good, we would have a bigger yetzer hora pushing us to use there abilities for bad. Do you realize how easy it would be to hurt a person when you know painful topic for them? Do you realize how easy it would be to do so many bad things knowing so much about surrounding us world?
So what I thought was that we should thank Hashem that neither we nor others have these powers that could bring more harm in to this shaky world! Thank You, Hashem, for not letting to sin more by limiting our abilities to what we have!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Material Madel tagged me so my opus is following
Rule number 1: Read the rules.
Rule number 2: Write one superpower you would like to have and what you would do with it.
Rule number 3: Write why you chose that super power over everything else.
Rule number 4: Tag and link 7 people, and write why you think they will have an interesting meme.
Rule number 5: fix your broken links.
Here we go:
Rule 1 - check.
Before I start I should mention that MM is really observant about my pic. She says:
Dude with Hat - because with his profile pic, he's already got the whole 'mysterious spy' thing going on - and that intrigues me.
With her help my spy career is now over because you can't be a spy if others know this. Thanks MM! Very generous from you!
Anyway the superpower I really want is to be able to know everything about anyone I want when I want to. I.e. I don't want my head to be piled up with info about everyone. I want info to be well categorized by person, time and action with description/photo/video/audio recording and me to have easy access to this info. For example I could query for what shoes did MM wear yesterday around afternoon? Or why does Bad4 call herself Bad4? (well i know why, but it's still a good example) Or what did Hannah write in her personal paper diary today? Or what did Moshe ate for his lunch on August 5th? (not that I care much, but good example). Or list of all girls from NYC under 23 Altie was hanging out with when she was in Seminary... I think the idea is clear.
And if this whole thing about database is kinda over-thought, knowing stuff about people is real. Some of you know how I've found your home addresses, phone numbers. So don't be shocked if I call you at 3AM or knock on your door at 11PM. I am 99% sure I haven't opened email box of anyone who reads this blog so I am safe to talk about that... But I used to do that too. Stopped last year. Some of you know details.. Looking into other's windows is a really not nice thing to do so I don't have binoculars. But be sure I'll check you out in the mirror reflection of train car window (I am serious!)
Don't ask me though to do that for you - I won't. The only time when I succeed is when I am highly motived to find that info, otherwise I won't find much if person hides well.
Rule 2 - check
Rule 3 - check!
- Hannah - so what did you write in your private diary today, Hannah?
- Bad4 - I know already why you call yourself Bad4, but you are too successful with your blog with such bad name, so you are definitely hiding something in your left pocket (which you don't have because you wear skirt :P)
- MAK - I discovered you too recently to know too much about you, so you still have a chance to do some work for me and prevent me stumbling on things you don't want me to know too well...
- Moshe - not that I want to know what you ate on August 5th for lunch (and I doubt you remember it), but some things about you are really unclear to me!
- Something Different - why do I remember about you every time I cross E 12th and Ave M? (I have associative memory so ya know...)
- The Babysitter - your name suggests that there's some other dark side of you that I don't know about yet... Are you obsessed with robots because it gives you full control over them?
- Chana - do you have to do anything with Viznitz? Just asking...
Rule 4 - check!
Do I have any broken links? I am lazy, I don't even have a full blogroll, nor do I have a normal link section. So, behold! Point me at broken link and I'll fix it.
Rule 5 - check!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
So I spoke to my rov on tuesday, he said I should go to Lakewood and that I should sit down and talk to my family (tet-a-tet, not to all at the same time) and to clear up the confusion.
Spoke to my mom and she said that everything is ok, hope it is. Haven't seen my brother though, so he found news from mom. That's not the fortunate option, but I wouldn't discuss these things on the phone - I am not a phone person and everyone knows it. So I am still not sure what he thinks has made me to go to Lakewood. Based on the short phone conversation I had with him yesterday/today he's worried something is wrong but I am not saying that. That's my personality - I rarely discuss personal stuff with family and he knows it. He noticed that many times and he mentioned that too.
So now I feel myself guilty that I've left them without an option at the last moment. As of today I could've had my mom going to four seudos (thanks to Moshe), now she goes only to two because she won't go alone. My brother didn't sound so happy either. Plus I told him I'll cover expenses on stuff that was supposed to be brought to hosts, now he doesn't want me to do so because I don't go. I think like I'm getting too deep into details I shouldn't be..
So all in all everyone has to be happy and no one really is. Otherwise everything is cool. I looking forward to visit Lakewood after 3 years of hiatus and hopefully meet some people I know there.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Before I get to the follow up on this topic I'd like to make few remarks about my previous post:
- First of all - I do not reread what I write. Whether it's an email, reply or blog post - I take it as if I was talking to person using my mouth - what's said could not be unsaid and what mistakes made (grammar or orthographic) could not be fixed. Not that I am really so principal, it's just that I'm kind of impatient to hit Send/Submit/Publish button. From this one come two more remarks:
- I did not intend to show my family bad in any way. I totally understand that their lives are their lives and mine is mine and I do not try to mix to possible extent. The only thing that currently implies on everyone at home is kosher kitchen (with very lenient things sometimes IMO). It is easy to say and this doesn't go that easy on practice but getting through this you get to understand more and try to control yourself better so do I try too.
- Nor did I intend to say something like "oh I'm so humble that I can't ask you, so please get my hint and act!". Although it does sound so it's not meant to. Anyway I must thank Dina for acting :) Thank you, Dina! I will crash one day into your seuda! (can't find better words, sorry!)
While all this said sounds very pathos and snobbish, the purpose of this post is to get update on what has happened during past three days
So as I said before this was my third Shabbos staying at home. Usually we have my little nephews staying Friday night and Shabbos, past two Shabbosim they were by us on other days. This Shabbos they were back on schedule. I figured that I'd wait till they go to sleep (for good reason so not be uncomfortable myself and to get less questions from kids which I wouldn't be able to explain easily to them) and then come and have my seuda. Went to shul, davened, found an interesting Chumash with commentaries of Tur, read entire parsha with all comments (probably haven't ever done so, although this parsha was really short and I read only Vayelech by mistake). Then I looked at the clock, it was only 9:15 so I figured I'd go to my yeshiva, see if I meet there anyone I know or just sit and repeat what i was learning when I was there.
On my way I changed my mind and went to Ohr Izchak yeshiva since they have artscroll gemoras. Then I figured that last time I went to this yeshiva on Friday night it was closed, so I decided that if it's closed I'll go zigzaging around the block like I do sometimes. Then I saw the door was wide opened. When I almost turned to walk into the door I saw there few kids and their mommy. I was shocked as I did not expect to see women in that section of yehsiva at that time, so I turned back and continued walking by the block. I haven't passed the end of building yet when it started to rain so I had to turn back and walk into yeshiva. It turned that there was some one's bar mitzvah seuda in the dining room and bais medrash was empty.
Over the time I've learned through gemora Sukkah first amud with all commentaries, rereading by few times if I wasn't getting the meaning, getting back to confirm and summarize details. It was 10:something and I figured it's time to start walking back. But I didn't even walk out from yeshiva seeing strong rain outside - I turned back to bais medrash. I did not take my rain coat so I had to stay in if I didn't want to ruin my suit. This time I did not want to do gemora already so I started looking through english book and my eye caught the word "relationships" - i looked at the book, its cover said "SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, AT WORK AND WITH FRIENDS" by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. This is one of the topics I am always interested in for many reasons so I took the book and started reading. I stopped around 11, figuring that if it's not raining it's definitely time to move. So I closed the book, purposely did not put it back ("who knows may be someone will find it interesting tomorrow, too?") and walked out - it did not rain so I walked back home.
On the way back I wished everyone to be sleeping when I come home. My mom was not sleeping and she was shocked to find that I haven't eaten anything yet. This was my biggest mistake - to do something noticeably. At the time when I was walking back I definitely did not want to have anyone even thinking why I did not come earlier. Rain was my alibi, but it was not that good alibi as my mom knew it was not raining all the time and also I did not put it all that way right - I am a good thinker and I usually find ways how to get around with things I don't want to touch, but my strategy often sucks at details that I haven't thought through in advance.
Next morning my mom approached me when I was getting ready to go to shul and told me that "every one makes mistakes sometimes and that I should also be forgiving" clearly meaning that she took my yesterday's act as "being offended by our previous talk" which was not, or at least was not that bad to the point as she took it. For me this was a clear flag that it was my big mistake yesterday.
I've met someone I knew at shul next to my house and he generously invited me to him. Here I was not say "no" for a bunch of reasons so I went to him. When I came back home my brother asked me if I ate and I said yes, he asked me if I was sure - that was another flag of my fault - my act was discussed between him and my mom.
Now I really did not want them to anyhow discuss this because it had a high risk of getting me into situation of them feeling guilty and doing me chessed by making me stay at home for Rosh Hashonah by any means. This was not what I wanted and this was not what I intended. But this is what I got.
Sunday morning my brother called me to let me know that we're going for two seudos to his friend, including my brothers kids for one of them (they were there before and they liked it). Next question was like a punch:
- Will you find place for yourself by yourself or you need help?
- Yes, by myself.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Now I am really between two fires because from one side I already made my mind to go to Lakewood for better, from other side I am here in front of the fact that everything is planned and there's a big feeling that it was arranged for me, not for them.
When my brother called I haven't spoken to my rov yet, so I didn't even know how to react. I called my rov but he did not pick up his phone - he was probably busy. Next time when I was about to call him it was 12AM in Israel so I sent him SMS instead. I am still not sure if SMS work between US and Israel so I don't know if he ever received it, but I had never gotten response. Now I plan to call him tomorrow morning from work and tell him over this whole story.....
This is one of those situations when I will learn a lot about how to not handle things, how to plan better strategy and how to act at certain moments. But this is not the situation I like to be in.
Friday, September 11, 2009
So here's the problem - my family is uncomfortable with me spending Shabbosim at home (i.e. having meal at home) because this restricts them to what they feel like doing on saturdays. While this was survivable for the past 2 Shabbosim, it seems that upcoming Rosh Hashonah won't be like that since it's not one but two days of restrictions (while I am present at home).
From my side I've been always uncomfortable to spend Shabbos at home so for about 4 years I was always away from home most of the time (even slept in a different place until after this year's Yom Kippur). Even when I started sleeping at home I would not come home earlier than 11PM, including winter time.
There were some things going on in my shul recently which made me really uncomfortable coming there. Nothing personal, mostly global stuff, but I hate politics and I hate people changing accepted rules and I hate some other stuff going on there for the past few months - so I figured I'd stay away. I spent last two Shabbosim at home and plan to do so on this upcoming one.
So I just had this conversation which started from if I am at home for this Shabbos and ended where I am for Rosh Hashona. Until now I had two options:
- Preferable - sleep at home and find places where to go for seudot (something I really hate to do - asking if I can come for seuda, probably doing so for the first time) and going with family for at least one seuda to my brother's friend - this is a key for staying home, because there will be at least something going on for the family plus according to my brother it's already a tradition that we go to his friend for Rosh Hashonah seuda as we did so for the past few years. If this was not in plans I would definitely get away to other town
- Preferable for my family, convenient for me - go to Lakewood where I was invited to yesterday. Convenient for me because I don't have to ask people to attend to their seuda which I really feel uncomfortable doing. Plus it will be hosted by one Rabbi who I really like to go to for Shabbosim; so also highly enjoyable. Preferable for my family as they are not limited in anything due to lack of my presence.
So I am really confused now because I was thinking to stay in brooklyn for my family to participate at least some events (I was also hoping that may be I'd arrange other meals where they'd go too), but now I am being kind of nicely asked to disappear for the Holiday. Any ideas what should I do?
PS. I wish I had my Rav here in US so he'd be really into all details and would've gave me right advice, but he lives on the Holy Land.