Before I get to the follow up on this topic I'd like to make few remarks about my previous post:
- First of all - I do not reread what I write. Whether it's an email, reply or blog post - I take it as if I was talking to person using my mouth - what's said could not be unsaid and what mistakes made (grammar or orthographic) could not be fixed. Not that I am really so principal, it's just that I'm kind of impatient to hit Send/Submit/Publish button. From this one come two more remarks:
- I did not intend to show my family bad in any way. I totally understand that their lives are their lives and mine is mine and I do not try to mix to possible extent. The only thing that currently implies on everyone at home is kosher kitchen (with very lenient things sometimes IMO). It is easy to say and this doesn't go that easy on practice but getting through this you get to understand more and try to control yourself better so do I try too.
- Nor did I intend to say something like "oh I'm so humble that I can't ask you, so please get my hint and act!". Although it does sound so it's not meant to. Anyway I must thank Dina for acting :) Thank you, Dina! I will crash one day into your seuda! (can't find better words, sorry!)
While all this said sounds very pathos and snobbish, the purpose of this post is to get update on what has happened during past three days
So as I said before this was my third Shabbos staying at home. Usually we have my little nephews staying Friday night and Shabbos, past two Shabbosim they were by us on other days. This Shabbos they were back on schedule. I figured that I'd wait till they go to sleep (for good reason so not be uncomfortable myself and to get less questions from kids which I wouldn't be able to explain easily to them) and then come and have my seuda. Went to shul, davened, found an interesting Chumash with commentaries of Tur, read entire parsha with all comments (probably haven't ever done so, although this parsha was really short and I read only Vayelech by mistake). Then I looked at the clock, it was only 9:15 so I figured I'd go to my yeshiva, see if I meet there anyone I know or just sit and repeat what i was learning when I was there.
On my way I changed my mind and went to Ohr Izchak yeshiva since they have artscroll gemoras. Then I figured that last time I went to this yeshiva on Friday night it was closed, so I decided that if it's closed I'll go zigzaging around the block like I do sometimes. Then I saw the door was wide opened. When I almost turned to walk into the door I saw there few kids and their mommy. I was shocked as I did not expect to see women in that section of yehsiva at that time, so I turned back and continued walking by the block. I haven't passed the end of building yet when it started to rain so I had to turn back and walk into yeshiva. It turned that there was some one's bar mitzvah seuda in the dining room and bais medrash was empty.
Over the time I've learned through gemora Sukkah first amud with all commentaries, rereading by few times if I wasn't getting the meaning, getting back to confirm and summarize details. It was 10:something and I figured it's time to start walking back. But I didn't even walk out from yeshiva seeing strong rain outside - I turned back to bais medrash. I did not take my rain coat so I had to stay in if I didn't want to ruin my suit. This time I did not want to do gemora already so I started looking through english book and my eye caught the word "relationships" - i looked at the book, its cover said "SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, AT WORK AND WITH FRIENDS" by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. This is one of the topics I am always interested in for many reasons so I took the book and started reading. I stopped around 11, figuring that if it's not raining it's definitely time to move. So I closed the book, purposely did not put it back ("who knows may be someone will find it interesting tomorrow, too?") and walked out - it did not rain so I walked back home.
On the way back I wished everyone to be sleeping when I come home. My mom was not sleeping and she was shocked to find that I haven't eaten anything yet. This was my biggest mistake - to do something noticeably. At the time when I was walking back I definitely did not want to have anyone even thinking why I did not come earlier. Rain was my alibi, but it was not that good alibi as my mom knew it was not raining all the time and also I did not put it all that way right - I am a good thinker and I usually find ways how to get around with things I don't want to touch, but my strategy often sucks at details that I haven't thought through in advance.
Next morning my mom approached me when I was getting ready to go to shul and told me that "every one makes mistakes sometimes and that I should also be forgiving" clearly meaning that she took my yesterday's act as "being offended by our previous talk" which was not, or at least was not that bad to the point as she took it. For me this was a clear flag that it was my big mistake yesterday.
I've met someone I knew at shul next to my house and he generously invited me to him. Here I was not say "no" for a bunch of reasons so I went to him. When I came back home my brother asked me if I ate and I said yes, he asked me if I was sure - that was another flag of my fault - my act was discussed between him and my mom.
Now I really did not want them to anyhow discuss this because it had a high risk of getting me into situation of them feeling guilty and doing me chessed by making me stay at home for Rosh Hashonah by any means. This was not what I wanted and this was not what I intended. But this is what I got.
Sunday morning my brother called me to let me know that we're going for two seudos to his friend, including my brothers kids for one of them (they were there before and they liked it). Next question was like a punch:
- Will you find place for yourself by yourself or you need help?
- Yes, by myself.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Now I am really between two fires because from one side I already made my mind to go to Lakewood for better, from other side I am here in front of the fact that everything is planned and there's a big feeling that it was arranged for me, not for them.
When my brother called I haven't spoken to my rov yet, so I didn't even know how to react. I called my rov but he did not pick up his phone - he was probably busy. Next time when I was about to call him it was 12AM in Israel so I sent him SMS instead. I am still not sure if SMS work between US and Israel so I don't know if he ever received it, but I had never gotten response. Now I plan to call him tomorrow morning from work and tell him over this whole story.....
This is one of those situations when I will learn a lot about how to not handle things, how to plan better strategy and how to act at certain moments. But this is not the situation I like to be in.