Sunday, January 25, 2009

Shidduch mistakes (updated on 20090527)

  • Added links to two more articles
  • Added Chanie's recommendations from comments to the post
  • 2009/01/29 - added a link to Bad4's post
  • 2009/05/27 - added a link to another Bad4's post
There's a day for everyone when they go for the first shidduch date. Some take it easy, others get very nervous. I was pretty nervous not to f/up something. We all tried to find out from our more experienced friends how to act, where to go, what to say, what to ask, what not to ask...

Anyway we end up doing some mistakes that other just couldn't predict to inform us beforehand.

I didn't happen to go on many shidduch dates yet, but I made my mistakes and I noticed some mistakes that girls did.

Here's my list - it contains my mistakes, things I noticed from girls I dated and my friends' experiences:
  • Do not talk too much, let girl talk. This requires some strong self control, but this is a very good habit for any situation.
  • Do not talk over the phone - discuss everything on dates - this gives you more topics to talk about so that you will never sit and look at each other trying to find next topic.
  • Do not go shopping right before date - if you happen to go anywhere these bags may make troubles for you, also you'll be exhausted and tired and will not look as impressive as you want.
  • Remember about time - first date shouldn't be longer than 1,5 - 2 hours (probably my biggest mistake so far) - what if a girl would graze her foot and will be feeling her less impressing (or whatever word is better here) - never forget about your 'partner'. Also, what if he/she doesn't like you from the first time but hesitates to show that by rushing to finish as soon as possible?
  • Date after full work day is not a good case either, especially if it's a first date - tired person would not look attractive nor will be able to concentrate well.
  • Be dressed properly. Imagine you're going to meet with your future boss of some company in Manhattan - would you come in jeans and wrinkled and emitted (released?) shirt or in some old t-shirt? So why wouldn't you take a person you go on date with at least same level of appreciation?
  • Have a back up plan - what if the place you go to will get closed or will be packed with no place to sit? What if a girl will be late on her bus to Lakewood? What if she's flaishiks and you're going to a dairy place? Or vegetarian? Just be prepared...
  • Do not show if you don't like girl/guy you with. Just try to politely finish date faster, but don't just tell it in face. I also heard of guys seeing a girl from another corner, thinking that they don't like her and just disappearing! Remember that she also spent her time, so be nice and don't let her stand there with stupid look for another hour thinking you're late or she messed up with place you were supposed to meet at.
  • Be on time. This never hurt anyone, however making someone to wait for you is not nice and is a first item in the list against you. This is more for guys than for girls though.
Chanie added some recommendations in the comments:
  • If you're a brilliant girl, don't show it on the first date. It turns guys off.
  • Don't make dirty jokes on any date- it's inappropriate.
  • Don't tell the guy/girl that they're not the weirdest, craziest person in the world. Some will get insulted.
Did you get something to add? It'll be cool if you post in your blog and then we'll all interlink to all posts on this topic. By that we may be able to prevent future mistakes and help other who only start.

Useful posts by other authors:


  1. Some girls are shy, in that case the guy gots to do the talking.
    I hope you don't mean wearing a suit...

    Dude, do what most of the guys in my shul did, including me, get a girlfriend.

  2. Well, shy is a different story - make her feel comfortable and she'll start talking.
    Suit or not depends on the case, but there are borders in everything that you shouldn't be crossing.

    Is not having a girlfriend considered shidduch mistake??

  3. Cute post.

    I have what to add: If you're a brilliant girl, don't show it on the first date. It turns guys off.

    Don't make dirty jokes on any date- it's inappropriate.

    Don't tell the guy/girl that they're not the weirdest, craziest person in the world. Some will get insulted.

  4. Chanie

    I believe you to be wrong. If someone is smart don't hide, besides they will find out sooner or later.

  5. "If you're a brilliant girl, don't show it on the first date. It turns guys off."

    Correction: Turns "the losers who can't handle you" off.

  6. Anonymous - I think what was meant is that a girl shouldn't show her excellence excessively, though she shouldn't hide it either.

  7. BTS- but the smart girl is going to show that she's smart sooner or just tends to show up, and she probably needs a guy who can handle it on the first date, because it'll show up sooner or later...
    It's quite hard to hide smartness, so it's probably better to have it out in the open to start with.

  8. NMF- I agree 100%. But I was told not to tell bochurim what I learn in my spare time, because it'll scare them. "No bochur wants to marry a bochur- you have to be feminine." [puke]

    Anyways, sometimes bochurim can handle it after they know that she's normal in every other way. So in that case, it's better not to show your smarts right away. But then again...some are looking for smarts, and some can't handle them at all.

    At any rate, one bochur rejected me for them, another rejected the stupid stereotype because he wanted someone smart. Soooo.....guess which one I'd rather marry. :P

  9. I like this one. The not talking too much is hilarious though! My Rav said the girl should be quiet and let the guy talk and lead the conversation, unless he can't than she should.

    If I can make a suggestion though, one should always have a notebook of general questions to ask on the first date. And remember as much as possible to have notes to review at night, and focus on points that you would like to be expounded upon. While I was dating i did keep notes and wrote down potential follow up questions and conversations.

    Another big mistake both sides make is hiding your true self. You can't be yourself, than you should find the next person. Marriage is about connecting to the inner essence, the who you are on the inside!

    Good luck!

  10. I think you are wrong,if you are smart why should hide it?


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