Friday, September 11, 2009

Rosh Hashona dilema, need advice

So here's the problem - my family is uncomfortable with me spending Shabbosim at home (i.e. having meal at home) because this restricts them to what they feel like doing on saturdays. While this was survivable for the past 2 Shabbosim, it seems that upcoming Rosh Hashonah won't be like that since it's not one but two days of restrictions (while I am present at home).

From my side I've been always uncomfortable to spend Shabbos at home so for about 4 years I was always away from home most of the time (even slept in a different place until after this year's Yom Kippur). Even when I started sleeping at home I would not come home earlier than 11PM, including winter time.

There were some things going on in my shul recently which made me really uncomfortable coming there. Nothing personal, mostly global stuff, but I hate politics and I hate people changing accepted rules and I hate some other stuff going on there for the past few months - so I figured I'd stay away. I spent last two Shabbosim at home and plan to do so on this upcoming one.

So I just had this conversation which started from if I am at home for this Shabbos and ended where I am for Rosh Hashona. Until now I had two options:

  • Preferable - sleep at home and find places where to go for seudot (something I really hate to do - asking if I can come for seuda, probably doing so for the first time) and going with family for at least one seuda to my brother's friend - this is a key for staying home, because there will be at least something going on for the family plus according to my brother it's already a tradition that we go to his friend for Rosh Hashonah seuda as we did so for the past few years. If this was not in plans I would definitely get away to other town
  • Preferable for my family, convenient for me - go to Lakewood where I was invited to yesterday. Convenient for me because I don't have to ask people to attend to their seuda which I really feel uncomfortable doing. Plus it will be hosted by one Rabbi who I really like to go to for Shabbosim; so also highly enjoyable. Preferable for my family as they are not limited in anything due to lack of my presence.

So I am really confused now because I was thinking to stay in brooklyn for my family to participate at least some events (I was also hoping that may be I'd arrange other meals where they'd go too), but now I am being kind of nicely asked to disappear for the Holiday. Any ideas what should I do?

PS. I wish I had my Rav here in US so he'd be really into all details and would've gave me right advice, but he lives on the Holy Land.


  1. I'm sorry I've no helpful advice, but please come for a seudah at my house if you like, and if you're staying in Brooklyn; let me know if you're interested (

  2. If you being at your home makes everyone uncomfortable and YOU are uncomfortable making them uncomfortable,(if that is clear) then go to your Rabbi's house in Lakewood for Yom Tov and be done with it. If your family is not interested in being religious, you should be understanding and clear out for the holiday. They will not be happy if you are home, making them feel like you have turned away from their brand of Judaism or at worst that you have become a nut job and need deprogramming. Also, if you have to eat Seudot at other peoples homes and your family is not observant, what possible value do you get out of being home (other than sleeping in your own bed). While you are at shule you should be davening but most of family time/togetherness occurs at the meals, which if you are not eating with family, you might as well be away.

  3. @Dina - Thank you very much! Very generous! Can't find words :)

    @Anonymous - the thing is there was only one reason for me to stay - spending with them at least one meal. Now it's between two and three. Otherwise I'd have no question and would plan to leave before being told to. I will post more details soon, explaining where it has developed so far.


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